Saturday, February 08, 2003
emotion
devotion
to causing a commotion
creation
vacation
mucho masturbation"
hehe i hope someone knows where thats from, otherwise, i gonna get some weird looks next time you peoples see me. RENT. try listening to it at the dinner table from mad loud Boss speakers downstairs. hehe. yes well first my dad started throwing cucumbers and our flank steak was mooing and then i spit orange juice by accicent ( like the water with jackies computer ) at my dad. there was singing and grooving at the dinner table. quite a site at the melanaski house. its amazing. i was smiling for the first time since about last sunday. its been a realli realli rough week for me. i feel so abandoned by the most amazing people i had as friends and wat sucks is that it took my four years to find friends that i hang out with and who i thought, wanted to be with me. the day i crashed my car brought me three great friends and that even started to branch further.... and ive never felt so amazing as i did from that time til now. it took me four years to smile, really smile, and people who i thought would have my back no matter what. and then it all slipped away. someone/something new came into the group and all of a sudden im not invited to anything, no one talks to me online, on the phone, or even in school. i had a certain weirdness develop with someone so that i accepted but to MC, i really thought that no matter what came our way, we'd be friends. even after what happened between us our friendship was strong. and now its nonexistent. ive talked to these people about it and i get these oddball answers that suck. and hurt. i havent felt this down since junior year and the bullshit i dealt with then. im not made of glass and this wont destroy me, but it hurts soo bad because i dont know what happened that these amazing people decided that i wasnt good enough to hang with or sumthing. i have some suspicions and unfortunately Im not at the root of any of them. i wish i knew. i was soo happy. i was telling my mom that overall this was a shitty year ( ie: crashing my dream car, losing wallet, having the possibility of moving to Cali, my poppi being sick, and some other fickle but painful things ) but that i finally found my friends and that all those little scars didnt matter. no ones ever seen me so loud and happy and as steve says " shining. and now it hurts to smile. and mom keeps telling me to call jackie or ali or bre and i cant. it hurts to talk. im not even at the wallowing part of the process yet. i feel like sleeping and crying and thats about it. i watch movie and listen to music and im turning into a zombie. why does this have to hurt this bad. why did i have this, the happiness that it took me forever to find, taken away? i dont get it. how pathetic do i sound! smack me someone. i was soo embarassed in PL on wed. i couldnt even talk. i didnt realize that i was blankly staring for about five minutes. o well.
" gotta find a cure "
i gotta get my mind off of this bullshit. o well. i watched Amelie again. " how many people are having orgasms in the city of paris? 15 " hehe. i love that movie. i tried to listen and not read and i got a lot of it. way to go me. kings to me. mom keeps sayin i gotta start all over and steve does too. i dont feel " ready " or sumthing. " you cant buy love, now i know you can rent it " is my happiness always gonna be temporary? whats gonna happen for prom... theyve all made plans together and im not a part of their plans. what do i do now! i feel like i dont have foundation anymore. empty classes empty halls empty school empty valentines day empty prom. full heart, beating on its own for me and everyone else who i still love, but im not in anyone elses heart anymore.
so i retreat into the music and the movies and the french. well, thanks for the memories then.
devotion
to causing a commotion
creation
vacation
mucho masturbation"
hehe i hope someone knows where thats from, otherwise, i gonna get some weird looks next time you peoples see me. RENT. try listening to it at the dinner table from mad loud Boss speakers downstairs. hehe. yes well first my dad started throwing cucumbers and our flank steak was mooing and then i spit orange juice by accicent ( like the water with jackies computer ) at my dad. there was singing and grooving at the dinner table. quite a site at the melanaski house. its amazing. i was smiling for the first time since about last sunday. its been a realli realli rough week for me. i feel so abandoned by the most amazing people i had as friends and wat sucks is that it took my four years to find friends that i hang out with and who i thought, wanted to be with me. the day i crashed my car brought me three great friends and that even started to branch further.... and ive never felt so amazing as i did from that time til now. it took me four years to smile, really smile, and people who i thought would have my back no matter what. and then it all slipped away. someone/something new came into the group and all of a sudden im not invited to anything, no one talks to me online, on the phone, or even in school. i had a certain weirdness develop with someone so that i accepted but to MC, i really thought that no matter what came our way, we'd be friends. even after what happened between us our friendship was strong. and now its nonexistent. ive talked to these people about it and i get these oddball answers that suck. and hurt. i havent felt this down since junior year and the bullshit i dealt with then. im not made of glass and this wont destroy me, but it hurts soo bad because i dont know what happened that these amazing people decided that i wasnt good enough to hang with or sumthing. i have some suspicions and unfortunately Im not at the root of any of them. i wish i knew. i was soo happy. i was telling my mom that overall this was a shitty year ( ie: crashing my dream car, losing wallet, having the possibility of moving to Cali, my poppi being sick, and some other fickle but painful things ) but that i finally found my friends and that all those little scars didnt matter. no ones ever seen me so loud and happy and as steve says " shining. and now it hurts to smile. and mom keeps telling me to call jackie or ali or bre and i cant. it hurts to talk. im not even at the wallowing part of the process yet. i feel like sleeping and crying and thats about it. i watch movie and listen to music and im turning into a zombie. why does this have to hurt this bad. why did i have this, the happiness that it took me forever to find, taken away? i dont get it. how pathetic do i sound! smack me someone. i was soo embarassed in PL on wed. i couldnt even talk. i didnt realize that i was blankly staring for about five minutes. o well.
" gotta find a cure "
i gotta get my mind off of this bullshit. o well. i watched Amelie again. " how many people are having orgasms in the city of paris? 15 " hehe. i love that movie. i tried to listen and not read and i got a lot of it. way to go me. kings to me. mom keeps sayin i gotta start all over and steve does too. i dont feel " ready " or sumthing. " you cant buy love, now i know you can rent it " is my happiness always gonna be temporary? whats gonna happen for prom... theyve all made plans together and im not a part of their plans. what do i do now! i feel like i dont have foundation anymore. empty classes empty halls empty school empty valentines day empty prom. full heart, beating on its own for me and everyone else who i still love, but im not in anyone elses heart anymore.
so i retreat into the music and the movies and the french. well, thanks for the memories then.
