Take Me On Your Mighty Wings Across the Sky

i could not fall asleep last nite... i kept seeing samara. so i broke out the headphones, put in my new STP cd, and drifted off to sleep. i do love driving to that cd. good times. my other one, flaw, is good too. whelp. i turned into lucifer this morning. i came out of the SATs with my head spinning and in dire need of an attitude adjustment.. and i didnt get one until 400 or roundabout there. the family went to the mall.. i dont do well with the family at the mall when we are clothing shopping...because my sister is the perfect size and its not that im jealous or that i wish her to be ugly, but it really really makes me feel bad. times like that make me really sad and i get cranky and snap happy and "overly agitated" well i was letting the fam. have it with both barells. then my mother preceded to tell me that she wanted me to get a crush on someone. then came the suggestions. i was half terrified, half embarrassed, and half " i need to smack the block of ya " ( yes three halfs, its possible ) so anyway i came home got changed and came downstairs feeling like a human being. i told them the demons have been exorcised. then it was off to church and then straight to work.

when i got there it was straight to business which was fine. then the questions start dribbling in... like the pestilence in the bible. crazy stuff. " so i hear you broke up with him " "Why" " i think its for the best, dont worry " " irreconcilable differences huh " im being supported so its all good. and everyone said that he came on a bunch of times hoping to see me, cryin everytime, and he left lisa a message yesterday " im heartbroken and i wanna die " i felt bad but i cant change it. and andy was freaking out " Did he try anything ! id fuckin kill him " i love andy. i was afraid that scott would come in and the drama would ensue. but its all good. and everyone is cool. but he kept coming in, or so i hear, cryin and looking like shit. i feel bad but not enough to do anything. i dont want to see him. he told chris he wants to meet me. and i was just like sorry but no. this isnt somehting i want to dwell on because im feeling really good and strong since yesterday with P7 and then cutting out of work to hang with joe ( and his arm ! ) and today... well im human again.

so im doing good and im feeling strong so i dont want the scott drama. im doing good. i may be weird, as was pointed out to me numerous times last nite but i love it. and i had to train this girl at work today. o did i feel like the important one. haha! damien is engaged and altho hes a sawed off prick of a human being its soo cute and bre's a great girl. i think its soo adorable and exciting. and i hurt my arm today, god knows how ( maybe i slept on it wrong ) but i couldnt lift dishes or the ice bins or pump sauce and i cant bend it and i can barely turn the steering wheel. damien then preceded to give me an indian rug burn so i gave him a right hook. but andy gave my arm a massage. so i felt a little better. i hate work but i love work. haha.

its been a great weekend. just wonderful. i have had a great time. P7, the mall, the ring, work ... p7 wooo wooo!! i love it there... p7. like a state of mind or sumthing. haha. one of the 13 clouds. " id rather drink gasoline ..." bill and i talked shop talk... i saw him circling my car and it made me laugh. so yeh... we have basically the same exact car. minus some cosmetics. and pranat wore a plastic apron today at work and i was cracking up sooo bad at him that he took it off. heheh. and travis told jill to fuck off ( mind you , travis never talks -- the silent white rapper ) Black hammer. heheh. im gettin giddy.

my mom keeps telling me to fall in love with someone. that i need a new love, a new crush. she continues to suggest and suggest and the slightest things are signs of everlasting love in her spiderweb of a brain. par exemple, paul, my boy wonder from some air force college in boston ( the kid who was on the first europe trip ) called my cell earlier tonite and my mom wants me to get a guy so bad that she suggested i spend the night at his school. the woman has permanently been warped. it was soo great talking to bassist bro' tho. i miss him. stayin out of trouble, thank god, and having fun.

haha... im soo hyper and silly right now. i leave you with a toast.

" may the wind behind you never be yours "

well, damnit im gonna be ok. i may need people around most times, but being left to my own devices isnt all together bad, altho at the time it may suck. everything with scott is over. he is scum...its been decided by my trusted council. heheh. and whereas i may need/want a bf, itll come in time. cuz damnit, i Can be cute... and hey, someday someone'll like me. but my parents say im a slacker. not in all aspects. its onli true about the points that are important to them. ( SATs, college apps ( which have all been handed in ). the points that make me happy or whatever, i go after with a vengeance. so what Do i need to work on, my confidence, ambition, carriage, viewings of scary/classic ( I cant believe you have seen this ) movies, and im currently under the tutelage of a music sensai ... who will guide me to the good stuff. haha. im terrified right now. the ring. i wont dwell, itll make it worse. but i was just told that i have an immortal ( limited tho he may be ) watching over me. so what could i possibly have to worry about? i dont dare say im happy. but im not sad. i think most people live in between. i can deal with that. gnight and sweet dreams.

i really need help. ive thought about it a lot. and we are too different. there are too many things that i dont like about him. im afraid that the onli reason i like him is because he makes me have a bf. i know that ive always wanted to have a bf and i think i feel for the idea, not the guy. besides the fact that lately i cant stand anything about him.... i dont know. and my parents arent happy with him anymore. sigh, i dont know what to do.... no strike that, i know what i want to do, i want to break up with him. ive never had to do that before. i wont be able to do that face to face, and it may hurt more over the phone, but its necessary. i just need to know how to word it. i need some advice.... please, someone... gimme a call, i need help. im losing it. i need someone to help me.... or just talk to me about it. please, save me.... hit up the cell... 732 754 2615.

i need to talk to someone, nothings wrong, but i wish i had someone to talk to right now. i feel really weird. i know its early but im hopin that someone gives me a call when they get this during the day. ( 732 754 2615 ) call the cell if ya want, i know who i wanna talk to, but i dare say it. so much has happened.... but im in such a weird ambivalent mood rite now.