Friday, January 04, 2002
Just when I thought that I was better
I realized that I don't know what better was
Is it.........
Better than I used to be?
Better for you or for me?
I'd better hurry cause I need a better view of things
I don't know what it is or what I might be coming down with
Don't know where I've been
Don't know where to go
Can't remember all the things that I need to know
All I know is that if I think about it
I'd still rather be me than me be you
And I'm not getting any better
Cause everytime I can't remember what it's for
Is it.........
Better now than yesterday?
Better that I am this way?
I'd better not be so afraid
I bet I shouldn't say
I don't know what it is or what I might be coming down with
Don't know where I've been
Don't know where to go
Can't remember all the things that I need to know
All I know is that if I think about it
I'd still rather be me than me be you
I don't know what it is or what I might be coming down with
I don't know what it is or what I might be coming down with
Don't know where I've been
Don't know where to go
Can't remember all the things that I need to know
All I know is that if I think about it
I'd still rather be me than me be you
Me be you
-- "better" hoobastank
i am happy. i have sum bad grades, hard tests, midterms, and im happy. people are pissin me off or well they should be but everything is just rolling off my back and im fine. i got my sweet 16 pics and the boat pics back.... they are hysterical, realli freakin hilarious. haha. and i do think that i like him. there is just sumptin about him, its prolli just a temporary insanity thing, buttheres realli sumptin about him and its realli attractive. hes cute as hell too. stuff like that and how he talks to me in my fave class in the world....good old mr. zimmy's class, ha. i came into english after that giddy as all hell jackie was scared i think.
as for the song...its just that IM better, better than wat i used to be, but im better for myself. the changes are FOR me, and i chose wat needed to be altered. self grooming??? hmm.... nah. im so friggin hyper and i swear to god its like uncontrollable. i mean i got on the bus and i was loud and talkin to kim, i swear her name should be erin, she should change it, o well. and i was chattin it up with gimpy too....haha its gimpy....another MIKE....dont like him tho, k jackie.... i tried to throw his backpack out the window cuz he threw it at me, but he wrestled it away from me...HA. lets see...omigod this lil midget of a st. joez boy, and his name is PAT, wat a fucked up name, but ive forgotten all about that heartbreaking mess....so yeh i was showing kim and gimpy my pics and explaining em and everything and this kid comes over and is all like " lemme see" "no" and this went on and on... cute kid but a pain in the ass. he had a rolled up project so i beat him with it after he sat on my lap to get the pictures. this week was endless and draining and the work ahead is unbearable and i didnt do any work yet..... o well.. but nothing can break this happy spell in sinking into....
ya kno ive figured sumthing out about myself.... i like being SHORT. i realli like it, cute lil remarks and attention....but hte onli this or one of hte onli things i wanna change
the onli thing that i could do to improve this is .... i dont wanna be this skinny invisible person. im soo skinny its friggin repulsive....realli i cant stand to look at my body.... being short doesnt bother me at all, not one bit... but im so skinny i look unhealthy and anorexic. i look dead. madame made a comment as we were talkin bout paris and old views of beauty and she said sumptin to the effect of " they used to see round rotund veloptuous women as gorgeous and to be as thin as the models that are seen all over the world today. it looks so unhealthy and it was healthy and attractive to have sum meat on ur bones." i dont have any meat on my bones, and i eat!! alot !! i eat like a pig a gavone..or however its spelled. and i cant even gain weight.
i want to have friends and i want to be beautiful. ----- self-note
i bring myself down with self hate of my body....but i think of my "gym" haha jackie.... and im happy or sumwat happi, but then i think to myself, you dont even have a chance.... but i realli like him i think.
I realized that I don't know what better was
Is it.........
Better than I used to be?
Better for you or for me?
I'd better hurry cause I need a better view of things
I don't know what it is or what I might be coming down with
Don't know where I've been
Don't know where to go
Can't remember all the things that I need to know
All I know is that if I think about it
I'd still rather be me than me be you
And I'm not getting any better
Cause everytime I can't remember what it's for
Is it.........
Better now than yesterday?
Better that I am this way?
I'd better not be so afraid
I bet I shouldn't say
I don't know what it is or what I might be coming down with
Don't know where I've been
Don't know where to go
Can't remember all the things that I need to know
All I know is that if I think about it
I'd still rather be me than me be you
I don't know what it is or what I might be coming down with
I don't know what it is or what I might be coming down with
Don't know where I've been
Don't know where to go
Can't remember all the things that I need to know
All I know is that if I think about it
I'd still rather be me than me be you
Me be you
-- "better" hoobastank
i am happy. i have sum bad grades, hard tests, midterms, and im happy. people are pissin me off or well they should be but everything is just rolling off my back and im fine. i got my sweet 16 pics and the boat pics back.... they are hysterical, realli freakin hilarious. haha. and i do think that i like him. there is just sumptin about him, its prolli just a temporary insanity thing, buttheres realli sumptin about him and its realli attractive. hes cute as hell too. stuff like that and how he talks to me in my fave class in the world....good old mr. zimmy's class, ha. i came into english after that giddy as all hell jackie was scared i think.
as for the song...its just that IM better, better than wat i used to be, but im better for myself. the changes are FOR me, and i chose wat needed to be altered. self grooming??? hmm.... nah. im so friggin hyper and i swear to god its like uncontrollable. i mean i got on the bus and i was loud and talkin to kim, i swear her name should be erin, she should change it, o well. and i was chattin it up with gimpy too....haha its gimpy....another MIKE....dont like him tho, k jackie.... i tried to throw his backpack out the window cuz he threw it at me, but he wrestled it away from me...HA. lets see...omigod this lil midget of a st. joez boy, and his name is PAT, wat a fucked up name, but ive forgotten all about that heartbreaking mess....so yeh i was showing kim and gimpy my pics and explaining em and everything and this kid comes over and is all like " lemme see" "no" and this went on and on... cute kid but a pain in the ass. he had a rolled up project so i beat him with it after he sat on my lap to get the pictures. this week was endless and draining and the work ahead is unbearable and i didnt do any work yet..... o well.. but nothing can break this happy spell in sinking into....
ya kno ive figured sumthing out about myself.... i like being SHORT. i realli like it, cute lil remarks and attention....but hte onli this or one of hte onli things i wanna change
the onli thing that i could do to improve this is .... i dont wanna be this skinny invisible person. im soo skinny its friggin repulsive....realli i cant stand to look at my body.... being short doesnt bother me at all, not one bit... but im so skinny i look unhealthy and anorexic. i look dead. madame made a comment as we were talkin bout paris and old views of beauty and she said sumptin to the effect of " they used to see round rotund veloptuous women as gorgeous and to be as thin as the models that are seen all over the world today. it looks so unhealthy and it was healthy and attractive to have sum meat on ur bones." i dont have any meat on my bones, and i eat!! alot !! i eat like a pig a gavone..or however its spelled. and i cant even gain weight.
i want to have friends and i want to be beautiful. ----- self-note
i bring myself down with self hate of my body....but i think of my "gym" haha jackie.... and im happy or sumwat happi, but then i think to myself, you dont even have a chance.... but i realli like him i think.
Thursday, January 03, 2002
its been a good two days even tho everyones brains are burnt out, yeh they're crispy...but despite the complete and utter eghaustion ive been happy and hyper and in a delirious good mood..., nothing went extremely good or bad.... i thought that for a second i liked rich but i think it was my renegade heart just needing sumptin to crush on, i hate when i do that. watever... michelle told me yesterday that one of the guys she was with at the mall when i ran into her thought i was pretty. thats never happened to me before and it was a huge boost.... that added to my surreal charge that i had sparking thru out the day. and today too. im like crackin up for no good reason...ive been hysterical during lunch for two days straight... ive got tears (good ones) in my eyes and i make no sense. ha. wat a freakin great feeling. paul invited me to go to the battle of the bands at jp stevens to see his band perform. pauls a kid i went to europe with, the first trip. jackie and me are going, ill see if john and michelle wanna go too. john will michelle wont, o well. they have a great set planned out and linkin parks in there, so im exstatic. thats spelled wrong but o well. my mommy turned my 104 on my ring, aww she was all teary and misty-eyed. heheh. ive been shown for so long that i am special and people wanna be around me. i may just be pickin up on these messages, a lil bit anyway. glass? 1/2 empty or 1/2 full.... its been empty for so long, and slowly but surely i swear in my heart its filling up. im excited about the battle of hte bands the 11th and the weekend...no plans for this weekend tho..., but still...im good.
mike brought up london and my parents brought it up over the vacation a buncha times, i think i wanna go but i dont fit in with their group...and im paranoid about fitting in sumwhere and i couldnt take being dragged around by one person and i kno that i would feel that the rest of the kids wouldnt be able to stand me for more than 5 minutes, less in sum cases, they are all nice people, but i dont kno.
joe tried to help me add blogback but they are being mean sniffle and arent takin new members, so .... o well. i am ready for people, certain ones anyway, to read my thoughts.... i wanna get sum responses.
gnight
mike brought up london and my parents brought it up over the vacation a buncha times, i think i wanna go but i dont fit in with their group...and im paranoid about fitting in sumwhere and i couldnt take being dragged around by one person and i kno that i would feel that the rest of the kids wouldnt be able to stand me for more than 5 minutes, less in sum cases, they are all nice people, but i dont kno.
joe tried to help me add blogback but they are being mean sniffle and arent takin new members, so .... o well. i am ready for people, certain ones anyway, to read my thoughts.... i wanna get sum responses.
gnight
Monday, December 31, 2001
I'm sick of the tension/Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place/To feed your greed-
While I find a place to rest
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
[You'll see it's not meant to be]
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
im feeling better. i called sumone even tho i freakin scared to death to make the call and it wasnt as horrible as i envisioned it to be once i got over it and i just dialed took a deep breath and did it. we talked for a while and i kept gettin worried that i wouldnt have anything to say. the fact that i dont have a life scares me beyond all imagination and understanding and i dont want to go on in this dark carousel anymore. but im feeling a little better. i pray at night to god for strength to live. well its new years and im soo glad .. new beginnings and im damn sure that i need one of those. i will hopefully be fine, yeh ill be ok. i also pray for people, for support.... i can always turn to my family but i wish that i had people to turn to that didnt just happen to always be there... family...their support is like understand, not that i dont appreciate it... i do, more than that i can realli say... but i wish i had the friends that are always there, that kno ME for who i am and like me for that, not laugh or just try to change me....i dunno...im kinda in a delirium im proud of myself for makin a phone call.... im scared to talk to people, anybody, contact and conversations scare the shit outa me, realli. im almost happy, i think.
oddly enough and as corny and geeky as it sounds is that i realli fine a bliss and comfort in music any good band of mine fits any feeling and i can always fine "a place for my head " in the music. im so thankful... sumtimes im afraid that im afraid of silence but i dont think so... its just easier and mroe interesting to have music acompany m in life. its a comfort to the chaos. and it goes without saying, well almost goes without saying, that linkin park is the ultimate oblivion and haven for me.
ima go for now....ill let u kno bout tonite tomorrow or whenever i get around to writing.
anyone kno how to make comments adding available? cosmic void question
Plowed
Will I wake up
Is it a dream I made up
No I guess it's reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect with a dream
Say a prayer for me
I'm buried by the sound
In a world of human wreckage
I'm lost and I'm found
And I can't touch the ground
I'm plowed into the sound
To see wide open
With a head that's broken
Hang a life on a tragedy
Plow me under the ground
That covers the message
That is the seed
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place/To feed your greed-
While I find a place to rest
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
[You'll see it's not meant to be]
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
im feeling better. i called sumone even tho i freakin scared to death to make the call and it wasnt as horrible as i envisioned it to be once i got over it and i just dialed took a deep breath and did it. we talked for a while and i kept gettin worried that i wouldnt have anything to say. the fact that i dont have a life scares me beyond all imagination and understanding and i dont want to go on in this dark carousel anymore. but im feeling a little better. i pray at night to god for strength to live. well its new years and im soo glad .. new beginnings and im damn sure that i need one of those. i will hopefully be fine, yeh ill be ok. i also pray for people, for support.... i can always turn to my family but i wish that i had people to turn to that didnt just happen to always be there... family...their support is like understand, not that i dont appreciate it... i do, more than that i can realli say... but i wish i had the friends that are always there, that kno ME for who i am and like me for that, not laugh or just try to change me....i dunno...im kinda in a delirium im proud of myself for makin a phone call.... im scared to talk to people, anybody, contact and conversations scare the shit outa me, realli. im almost happy, i think.
oddly enough and as corny and geeky as it sounds is that i realli fine a bliss and comfort in music any good band of mine fits any feeling and i can always fine "a place for my head " in the music. im so thankful... sumtimes im afraid that im afraid of silence but i dont think so... its just easier and mroe interesting to have music acompany m in life. its a comfort to the chaos. and it goes without saying, well almost goes without saying, that linkin park is the ultimate oblivion and haven for me.
ima go for now....ill let u kno bout tonite tomorrow or whenever i get around to writing.
anyone kno how to make comments adding available? cosmic void question
Plowed
Will I wake up
Is it a dream I made up
No I guess it's reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect with a dream
Say a prayer for me
I'm buried by the sound
In a world of human wreckage
I'm lost and I'm found
And I can't touch the ground
I'm plowed into the sound
To see wide open
With a head that's broken
Hang a life on a tragedy
Plow me under the ground
That covers the message
That is the seed
