Wednesday, December 19, 2001
im sick !! blech, i absolutely hate being sick.... lets see i havent written in a while, so this may be a little scattered.
sooo, yesterday was pretti much just classes as normal, still had summore macbeth jeopardy, so yeh... lol we finally danced with boys in gym, how interesting.... jackie got joe... damn, i dont like him or anything, that i kno... but hes just realli cute. rich grabbed me so at least i didnt have to dance with jackie. he kept pickin me up and tickling me, which got kinda annoying after a while, but it was pretti fun... swing dance... "hey ill just pick u up and swing u around..." umm no. i cant believe joe sat there and started butt bumpin as sumone calls it with rich and me and then jackie, im pretti sure that that was just plain scary... hah. im so naive or just plain dumb, everytime i get special attention from any guy... i get all wadacallit, googly eyed and weird, hah its funny. jackie and i put together sum rather fascinating lists, i should prolli reflect realli hard on them, but im sooo sick seriously, and tired so i have like no intention of doin anything. failed my chem test today, but i realli realli dont care at all. ive given up on it all... for now anyway. xmas vacation is coming up, a coupla days and im lovin the anticipation, sumtimes its better then wat ur waiting for, but i sure as hell need the break.
my heart goes out to two of my friends and i just have to hpoe that they followe their hearts and straighten anything out, one way or another. i hate to see my friends like that, when my friends get hurt i take it to heart and i feel shitty myself. i just pray that my friendship with both of them will survive. u guys'll be alrite. i luv ya both.
yay daddy brought home donuts...boston kreme baby!! hahah. im in a delightful mood considering everything rite now. nothing fazes me rite now and its kinda euphoric or im just losing my mind or sumptin. i still realli want a boyfriend but rite now even i settle for the love and company of friends and just being with people.
to a certain person.... i just wanna thank u from the bottom of my heart, you are a tremendous strength to me, your soo loud, hahaha, but ur just so honest and u kno who u r, u kno urself and ur real. im too often quiet and afraid and im not being all wimpy and aww i just love or sumptin. u give sumting to me that makes me honest and gives me the bravery to be myself, to not care wat other people think about me, because i am always afraid of wat others think and sumtimes it paralyzes me.
good night for now im gonna die now.... tonite i may just go to sleep happy, or happier then ive been in a while....
sooo, yesterday was pretti much just classes as normal, still had summore macbeth jeopardy, so yeh... lol we finally danced with boys in gym, how interesting.... jackie got joe... damn, i dont like him or anything, that i kno... but hes just realli cute. rich grabbed me so at least i didnt have to dance with jackie. he kept pickin me up and tickling me, which got kinda annoying after a while, but it was pretti fun... swing dance... "hey ill just pick u up and swing u around..." umm no. i cant believe joe sat there and started butt bumpin as sumone calls it with rich and me and then jackie, im pretti sure that that was just plain scary... hah. im so naive or just plain dumb, everytime i get special attention from any guy... i get all wadacallit, googly eyed and weird, hah its funny. jackie and i put together sum rather fascinating lists, i should prolli reflect realli hard on them, but im sooo sick seriously, and tired so i have like no intention of doin anything. failed my chem test today, but i realli realli dont care at all. ive given up on it all... for now anyway. xmas vacation is coming up, a coupla days and im lovin the anticipation, sumtimes its better then wat ur waiting for, but i sure as hell need the break.
my heart goes out to two of my friends and i just have to hpoe that they followe their hearts and straighten anything out, one way or another. i hate to see my friends like that, when my friends get hurt i take it to heart and i feel shitty myself. i just pray that my friendship with both of them will survive. u guys'll be alrite. i luv ya both.
yay daddy brought home donuts...boston kreme baby!! hahah. im in a delightful mood considering everything rite now. nothing fazes me rite now and its kinda euphoric or im just losing my mind or sumptin. i still realli want a boyfriend but rite now even i settle for the love and company of friends and just being with people.
to a certain person.... i just wanna thank u from the bottom of my heart, you are a tremendous strength to me, your soo loud, hahaha, but ur just so honest and u kno who u r, u kno urself and ur real. im too often quiet and afraid and im not being all wimpy and aww i just love or sumptin. u give sumting to me that makes me honest and gives me the bravery to be myself, to not care wat other people think about me, because i am always afraid of wat others think and sumtimes it paralyzes me.
good night for now im gonna die now.... tonite i may just go to sleep happy, or happier then ive been in a while....
Monday, December 17, 2001
today was like a tornado of chaos in time and emotion.. ... im still recovering so ill write tomorrow maybe....
Yesterday:
a reflection::
i find myself comstantly happy when im with boys... its like male attention is one of hte few things that makes me happy, i dont kno y at all. wat does that say about me, that i need constant male attention or sumptin? i dont kno !!
today:::today was realli glong and tiring and pretti disheartening. today we woke up realli early adn drove to staten island. my great aunt rose (RoRO) has been diagnosed with arthritis and dementia. so she is moving in with my gradnaprents. she has a 40 yr old retardede daughter named maria. so we came in to move her and maria to grandmas from her apartment. it was me lauren my parents my godmother and my uncle and their daughters and my uncle and my other cousin. to make the drudgery and underlying sadness for my aunt a little less painful, my aunts next door neighbor (actually across the street) came by with his son to help, becuase they had ta pickup truck. his son, tommy, was 20, and completely gorgeous. he was realli sweet and funny, but he smoked, o well. my sister was sick and danielle was too and my fat ass cousin matt did jack shit so i was the onli one doin anything, it wasnt all that fun.... hten we went back to my grandmas house and had to unpack and bring everything into the houes. im talkin
recliners furniture the great heavy stuff that no one else could carry, i was stuck with most of it, my mom and aunt are weak, matts a bum, dan and lauren were sick, and my dad and uncle have bad shoulders. it hurts to type....
so then i made macaroni and sauce and took care of dinner, and cleaned up after..... thinking back it didnt bothering me all that much doin all this... i liked that i was old enough and everything to contribute and take sum of the work and pressure off of others, weirdly enuff i realli realli like helping other people
but wheni was hanging up sum net lites on the shrubs in front of hte house ii had the dorr open and i heard i realli loud thud sound, like sumthing just fell realli hard and fast...i look in and i see my cousin matt lyin on the floor shakin and uncontrollably convulsing.... i got my mom called 911 and we took my triplet cousins, his sisters to my aunts house.... matt had a ceizure(i dont kno how to spell it) apparently he has epilespy. his sisters were cryin and i was in charge.. i didnt kno wat to say to them to reassure them that their brother wa goin to be ok..it had happened before but they have never seen it and i didnt kno if he was gonna be ok and that scared me, so we put on hairriet hte spy played with the dog and ate popcorn, 2 outa 3 feell asleep on my chest.... we found out he was ok and went back to grandmas. we talked for a while and tehn went home... i attempted to do homework but im so far beyond tired that i dont even kno wat i did or didnt do. hell i dont even kno wat i had for homework.
it felt so good to help out today it put me in a good place mentally. but sumwehre behind all that, in the darkness is the longing i have for sumptin, like im an incomplete puzzle and i htink that people need to fill hte void.... i dont kno whether its just friends or not, in my heart, altho i dont kno how reliable that is, i think all i want is a boyfriend.
a reflection::
i find myself comstantly happy when im with boys... its like male attention is one of hte few things that makes me happy, i dont kno y at all. wat does that say about me, that i need constant male attention or sumptin? i dont kno !!
today:::today was realli glong and tiring and pretti disheartening. today we woke up realli early adn drove to staten island. my great aunt rose (RoRO) has been diagnosed with arthritis and dementia. so she is moving in with my gradnaprents. she has a 40 yr old retardede daughter named maria. so we came in to move her and maria to grandmas from her apartment. it was me lauren my parents my godmother and my uncle and their daughters and my uncle and my other cousin. to make the drudgery and underlying sadness for my aunt a little less painful, my aunts next door neighbor (actually across the street) came by with his son to help, becuase they had ta pickup truck. his son, tommy, was 20, and completely gorgeous. he was realli sweet and funny, but he smoked, o well. my sister was sick and danielle was too and my fat ass cousin matt did jack shit so i was the onli one doin anything, it wasnt all that fun.... hten we went back to my grandmas house and had to unpack and bring everything into the houes. im talkin
recliners furniture the great heavy stuff that no one else could carry, i was stuck with most of it, my mom and aunt are weak, matts a bum, dan and lauren were sick, and my dad and uncle have bad shoulders. it hurts to type....
so then i made macaroni and sauce and took care of dinner, and cleaned up after..... thinking back it didnt bothering me all that much doin all this... i liked that i was old enough and everything to contribute and take sum of the work and pressure off of others, weirdly enuff i realli realli like helping other people
but wheni was hanging up sum net lites on the shrubs in front of hte house ii had the dorr open and i heard i realli loud thud sound, like sumthing just fell realli hard and fast...i look in and i see my cousin matt lyin on the floor shakin and uncontrollably convulsing.... i got my mom called 911 and we took my triplet cousins, his sisters to my aunts house.... matt had a ceizure(i dont kno how to spell it) apparently he has epilespy. his sisters were cryin and i was in charge.. i didnt kno wat to say to them to reassure them that their brother wa goin to be ok..it had happened before but they have never seen it and i didnt kno if he was gonna be ok and that scared me, so we put on hairriet hte spy played with the dog and ate popcorn, 2 outa 3 feell asleep on my chest.... we found out he was ok and went back to grandmas. we talked for a while and tehn went home... i attempted to do homework but im so far beyond tired that i dont even kno wat i did or didnt do. hell i dont even kno wat i had for homework.
it felt so good to help out today it put me in a good place mentally. but sumwehre behind all that, in the darkness is the longing i have for sumptin, like im an incomplete puzzle and i htink that people need to fill hte void.... i dont kno whether its just friends or not, in my heart, altho i dont kno how reliable that is, i think all i want is a boyfriend.
