Saturday, December 15, 2001
today was a realli just carefree enjoyable day, but onli by comparision to the utter confusion ive been feeling, well yeh anyways ok ima have to do a run thru of the day now cuz its kinda fuzzy.... surprise suprise. ok so yeh chem, just boring shit.... as usual its all math crap and i dont understand that kinda stuff at all so im retrospect itwas a good deveoplment cuz i didnt have to do anything today in chem, i sat there, rel we did nothing and in gym we boogied and grooved... me and jackie have no coordination, i need to dance with a BOY, and poor anthony was sooo not feeling the vibe, lol, hten came the macarena and the shit hit the fan rite about then.... i got alot of positive attention today atho a certain girl has just been so out there lately im wondering wats wrong, well i have a coupla theories but i cant do anytihng about her... madame broke out all the leftovers from yesterday and we hoovered it ALL in ! lol it was great.... and its RRRRROIS.... heheh.. im not sayin it again, spike was spike and it just gets weirder and weirder, ninja bunny, heh who knew. lunch wat can u say realli, i played kris kringle this morning and aiken was actually here, so i got rid of her damned gifts, im not in the xmas spirit yet...hm.... zimmerman is like havin teeth pulled, grr, and then wicke was out so we had sheher or watever her name is.....
i went home with jackie on her 4 person after checkin out johns new ride.... its nice nice elton john on the floor, wat is that about.... im in a realli good mood rite now. makin plans that worked were plaguing michelle me john and jackie. we all just went to the mall and chilled and shopped BUILD A BEAR yehah, its too weird in there... john is loud and i find that he is a great outlet for alotta things ive got like festering in me... jackie and michelle say that me and john have extremely if not frightening similar personalities but im still afraid that whenever john and i joke around michelle sees it as a threat. i kno she wont read it but i am in not way a threat to you, i had hoped that u could trust me. i kno u worri bout john but ur one of my best friends and i just want u to kno that i would suffer so a friend wouldnt have to. to sumone else taht mite not seem like much but for me i think its rather big. we were soo loud and just realli free and funny and i realli luv it... sumthing in jackie worries me and altho i kno wat it is i cant do anything about it and it hurts that i cant take away part of my friends' pain when they are like this. rite now all i can say is that michelle and jackie and bre and yes even john are such strengths to me and that i couldnt survive without any them. u may not kno it at all but i treasure every minute that we can all spend together... friends and family are maybe the two onli things that i can realli analyze and completely and utterly be happy with and appreciate everything about.
maybe one day i will tell sum of my friends how i feel about them and how much they are a part of my life. they are few and far between these friends of mine, but they are precious to me..... maybe they will one day kno...
maybe one day i will tell people of my ventures in the blog world but i dont kno if im ready to have people read this... i dont think they would understand it or my feelings since i cant realli convey the exact way that i feel......
well id just like to go to bed happy now...for the first time in a while.....so gnight
i went home with jackie on her 4 person after checkin out johns new ride.... its nice nice elton john on the floor, wat is that about.... im in a realli good mood rite now. makin plans that worked were plaguing michelle me john and jackie. we all just went to the mall and chilled and shopped BUILD A BEAR yehah, its too weird in there... john is loud and i find that he is a great outlet for alotta things ive got like festering in me... jackie and michelle say that me and john have extremely if not frightening similar personalities but im still afraid that whenever john and i joke around michelle sees it as a threat. i kno she wont read it but i am in not way a threat to you, i had hoped that u could trust me. i kno u worri bout john but ur one of my best friends and i just want u to kno that i would suffer so a friend wouldnt have to. to sumone else taht mite not seem like much but for me i think its rather big. we were soo loud and just realli free and funny and i realli luv it... sumthing in jackie worries me and altho i kno wat it is i cant do anything about it and it hurts that i cant take away part of my friends' pain when they are like this. rite now all i can say is that michelle and jackie and bre and yes even john are such strengths to me and that i couldnt survive without any them. u may not kno it at all but i treasure every minute that we can all spend together... friends and family are maybe the two onli things that i can realli analyze and completely and utterly be happy with and appreciate everything about.
maybe one day i will tell sum of my friends how i feel about them and how much they are a part of my life. they are few and far between these friends of mine, but they are precious to me..... maybe they will one day kno...
maybe one day i will tell people of my ventures in the blog world but i dont kno if im ready to have people read this... i dont think they would understand it or my feelings since i cant realli convey the exact way that i feel......
well id just like to go to bed happy now...for the first time in a while.....so gnight
Thursday, December 13, 2001
today was a pretty good day i guess, relatively anyway. shortened periods due to pep rally and i didnt even have to go to the pep rally cuz i set up for french club xmas party, but thats in a dif paragraph. john got his car last nite so i was realli happy for him. umm, classes were alrite i guess, drudgery, but alrite. but in 7th and 8th my lil tummy was hurtin realli bad, i left 8th early, set up for french xmas party. me liz and lalie all ate sooo much i swear to god i mustve eaten my weight in dessert, altho that doesnt say to much. my mom picked me up in my mustang but i was stuffed and tummy still kinda hurt and i was drifting even more into oblivion so she drove home. i didnt mind. more dancin in gym but wat can u say bout merengue, not too much at all... jackie SMURF can moooove... rite now im watchin a rerun of makin the video for foo fighters the one.. i luv that song sooo much, it fits my current situation, or my non situation unfortunately. but i have been reassured that i wat i didnt do was the right decision... so yeh watever. no matter wat, i feel incomplete, like there should be more to me or sumthing. i think that im lookin for a guy, as steriotypically teenager as that sounds, i think that that is wat ive kinda been longing for, just ya kno sumone cares about in a different way than wat i am accustomed to, a different kind of personal attention... sumone who sees me for wat i want everyone else to see me as... i feel kinda scatterbrained.
ive been thinkin about sumthing my mom said to me, shes said to me mutiple times, you have such a good heart and ur such a great person but u dont let people see that. i kno wat see means and i completely agree but i dont kno how to show people who i realli am, i mean am i supposed to carry a damn sign around my neck "im a great person with a caring heart, be my friend" i dont think so. but i dont kno how to show people who i realli am.. its the most challenging and confusing thing that ive ever encountered in my life and its scary that i cant convey to people who i am.
later on i went shopping for a jr ring day dress and it took hours and a whole mall to find sumthing that remotely fit and looked half decent... shopping for clothes is one of the most disheartening things i ever have to do, bc im such a friggin skinny shrimp nothin fits and my non exisistent self esteem is lowered even further.
ive been told that i dont believe in myself, i kno its true and i dont kno wat to do to change. my parents believe in me, so does my family but i dont kno wat dto do to believe in myself....deep sigh......
gnight
ive been thinkin about sumthing my mom said to me, shes said to me mutiple times, you have such a good heart and ur such a great person but u dont let people see that. i kno wat see means and i completely agree but i dont kno how to show people who i realli am, i mean am i supposed to carry a damn sign around my neck "im a great person with a caring heart, be my friend" i dont think so. but i dont kno how to show people who i realli am.. its the most challenging and confusing thing that ive ever encountered in my life and its scary that i cant convey to people who i am.
later on i went shopping for a jr ring day dress and it took hours and a whole mall to find sumthing that remotely fit and looked half decent... shopping for clothes is one of the most disheartening things i ever have to do, bc im such a friggin skinny shrimp nothin fits and my non exisistent self esteem is lowered even further.
ive been told that i dont believe in myself, i kno its true and i dont kno wat to do to change. my parents believe in me, so does my family but i dont kno wat dto do to believe in myself....deep sigh......
gnight
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
hey guys sorri but i didnt realize that my whole name was on my post so i just wanna see if i fixed it correctly.....
ONE STEP CLOSER:
I cannot take this anymore
saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I found bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
you'll find that out anyway
Just like before...
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
shut up when I'm talking to you
Hey everyone..... this is my virgin post sooooo wow for me.... ive gotten wind of this blog thingy and i decided that with all of the feelings and confusion in the abyss of my head, i felt that this was one way of conveying and sorting out my feelings (if thats at all possible). maybe it will help, who knows, but i keep turning to others for help and guidance but i must be searching in the wrong places for support, o well... i gotta go take shower now but maybe ill add on later.....
hey yeh well its later, shower momentarily cleared my head, prolli onli because of the steam and the fact that i was belting out songs to beat the band. today was a pretti good day. 1200 dismissal, two free classes a fire drill mr spike's "spin rah blah blah blah" for 20 minutes, a test in gym, so we didnt get changed, and i got to see my "gym" it was a good day. i was in such a weird mood today, it mirrored happiness but lately, for a while, ive been feeling like my yellow brick quest for happiness has meant nothing. i feel like the world is against me and whenever and wherever i look for friendships i come up empty. i feel alone. im so different at home and with family and even with breanne and them im real. when im anywhere else or with anyone else, i feel like i dont kno the people around me, and i dont kno myself. im afraid of how others with react to the real me. when im at home or with the people that i "love" im honest to god sweet and funny, i like how i am when im with these people, and i kno that these choice people like me back. but with others, like at school, i feel soo rejected. when im wiht my supposed friends, i have cast great doubts on how genuine they realli are. and im sooo freakin afraid of new people i dont think that anyone likes me and its sooo hard to find the good in all of this, in my life.
im not writing this expecting responses and false support because it seems necessary. im writing because i need these thoughts to flow sumwhere else besides my head, because i cant take it all alone anymore. i feel sumtimes like i cant deal at all and i just have to scream or sumptin. im taking these entries to be me havin to tell sumone and in lieu of sumone, something that doesnt have to understand, just listen.
im out for now....
I cannot take this anymore
saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I found bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
you'll find that out anyway
Just like before...
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
shut up when I'm talking to you
Hey everyone..... this is my virgin post sooooo wow for me.... ive gotten wind of this blog thingy and i decided that with all of the feelings and confusion in the abyss of my head, i felt that this was one way of conveying and sorting out my feelings (if thats at all possible). maybe it will help, who knows, but i keep turning to others for help and guidance but i must be searching in the wrong places for support, o well... i gotta go take shower now but maybe ill add on later.....
hey yeh well its later, shower momentarily cleared my head, prolli onli because of the steam and the fact that i was belting out songs to beat the band. today was a pretti good day. 1200 dismissal, two free classes a fire drill mr spike's "spin rah blah blah blah" for 20 minutes, a test in gym, so we didnt get changed, and i got to see my "gym" it was a good day. i was in such a weird mood today, it mirrored happiness but lately, for a while, ive been feeling like my yellow brick quest for happiness has meant nothing. i feel like the world is against me and whenever and wherever i look for friendships i come up empty. i feel alone. im so different at home and with family and even with breanne and them im real. when im anywhere else or with anyone else, i feel like i dont kno the people around me, and i dont kno myself. im afraid of how others with react to the real me. when im at home or with the people that i "love" im honest to god sweet and funny, i like how i am when im with these people, and i kno that these choice people like me back. but with others, like at school, i feel soo rejected. when im wiht my supposed friends, i have cast great doubts on how genuine they realli are. and im sooo freakin afraid of new people i dont think that anyone likes me and its sooo hard to find the good in all of this, in my life.
im not writing this expecting responses and false support because it seems necessary. im writing because i need these thoughts to flow sumwhere else besides my head, because i cant take it all alone anymore. i feel sumtimes like i cant deal at all and i just have to scream or sumptin. im taking these entries to be me havin to tell sumone and in lieu of sumone, something that doesnt have to understand, just listen.
im out for now....
